Apple, Meet the Tree--UPDATED

Stories That My Dad has Told in the First 24 Hours of His Visit:

1) Last week, at the church where he works as a maintenance man, two guys from the neighboring sketchy apartment complex came over and went and sat in the church. The office ladies asked my dad to go check on them, just to make sure things were kosher. Dad did, and in doing so, left his walkie-talkie behind. The office ladies (one of whom is named Stella, so of course, the telling of this story had to leave room for occasional Brando-esque shouts of "STELLA!") then thought that they heard gunshots. So they called Dad on the walkie, and when they couldn't reach him, they freaked right the hell out and CALLED 911. To report A SHOOTING. AT THE CHURCH. When my dad came out of the church, he was greeted with seventeen squad cars and body-armored cops shouting at him to put his hands in the air and get on the ground. You guys, they cuffed my dad! The poor clucky office hens tried to reassure the cops that it had been a false alarm, but apparently once the "shooter-in-a-church" bell has rung, you can't unring it. Once they saw all four employees who were there that day, they uncuffed them, but there was still full-on searching of the premises, closing of several local major roads, lockdown of the neighboring high school...and, did I mention, they put my dad in freaking handcuffs! I believe I've mentioned my family's obsession with old school Law & Order, so you'll have to imagine our delight at the idea that Dad was preparing to drop a dime on someone in order to take a plea and do the nickel at Riker's.


2) A while back, Dad was called for jury duty, for a case involving a guy who shot someone in front of several witnesses. Dad's jury selection questioning session went as follows:

Defense Attorney: Sir, do you own a handgun?

Dad: No, I do not.

Defense Attorney: May I ask you why?

Dad: I don't intend to kill anybody.

Defense Attorney: Challenge, your Honor!


3) UPDATED: This story is, as it turns out, a hoax. A big fat lie. Clearly, I and my entire ilk are not to be trusted. On the other hand, I guess it's OK to laugh out loud about it, since it's entirely fictional.

OK, this story? Is really kinda sad and definitely politically incorrect on several levels, but I dare you not to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it. So, Dad was out in Iowa visiting family, and Cousin So-and-so was talking about Other Cousin, who has an adult son who is developmentally delayed. This son, let's call him...Darryl, is apparently independent enough to live on his own, and one day he called his mother with some news. "Ma, I caught a troll." "What?" "I caught a troll, Ma, you gotta come home." So Ma-Other-Cousin rushes over, as naturally one would when you hear such news. When she gets there, she hears banging on the closet door and goes over to let out...a little person. A dwarf.

This poor guy was going door to door, working as a census-taker, and when he got to Darryl's house, well...Darryl...um...thought he was a troll. And, decided that the next logical thing to do was to "catch" him, and lock him in a closet. And call his mom. Like you do.

So Ma-Other-Cousin lets this guy out, profuse apologies, and apparently he hasn't pressed charges, because a) Darryl obviously can't be prosecuted as being "of sound mind," and b) he probably isn't in a hurry to be known as the guy who got locked in a closet for resembling a mythical creature. And of course, this was probably quite scary for him, and embarrassing for the mother, and indicates something about Darryl's ability to live independently, but...

"I caught a troll, Ma."

I mean, you can't make this shit up. (UPDATE: Yes, you can. And then someone like me will fall for it.)