But How Does That Make You FEEL?

I so love therapy.

For a verbal processor like me, an hour of yakking, answering probing questions and gathering feedback...ah. Torture for many, I know, but for me a good therapy hour is like a mental massage: I leave feeling relaxed, refreshed, and other spa-advertisement adjectives. Lest you think I'm being terribly selfish to admit that I like an hour of talking about myself while someone listens, I should point out that a) I do pay for the services, and b) I try to throw in some jokes.

I have been feeling absolutely overwhelmed the last few days (weeks? longer?) and am now at that point where something like misplacing my keys brings actual tears to my eyes for a second, when Perspective is not only something I've lost, it's a fictional character to me, like the Jabberwocky. Some of it is work stuff, and I've finally resigned myself to going in one day next week when we're closed and just working for the day (unpaid, natch) in hopes that getting caught up (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) will be worth it. I do love being productive. I love crossing stuff off of lists and making files and finishing projects, but I think at this point, a thought I get to have to completion also sounds mighty nice. Not that I wouldn't get a nice buzz off of a clean workspace, an x-ed out To Do list, and a nice color-coded binder...mmm...

The stuff that isn't work is less easily solved, but...today, at least, I'm feeling more optimistic about it. I talked to Dreamcatcher Therapist today a lot about the notion of there being One Right Way for things, and that, while I intellectually understand otherwise, I still secretly believe in it. (Please note: I'm not saying that my way is the right way, I'm saying that there is some independent, external right way that should be obvious to all and I am holding myself to it.) And am constantly judging myself as to my success in attaining this One Right Way, Anything Else is Wrong and Worthless. Which, of course, leads to peace and enlightenment, right?

Dreamcatcher Therapist: It's like you're a kid coloring, and you look down and see that your house isn't perfectly in the lines, and it's a different color, maybe not quite as good as those kids', but that's OK, you know?

Me: Totally foreign concept.

DT: Okaaaayyyy....(scribbles furiously)

The best part is that, at no charge to you, I will also judge you about your willingness to follow the light. So when someone (cough...MOTH...cough) manages to be all Zen, like, "Heck, I'll color my house pink, 's cool...whatevs," I am very threatened because there is only Zool One Right Way, dammit! And if you have another Right Way, then my Right Way must be Wrong and then I am doing it Wrong. And no-one likes the kid who does it Wrong, Right? So just tell me WHAT COLOR DO I PAINT THE DAMN HOUSE?!

Ahem. Or something.

Of course, I know better intellectually than to go down these roads, but emotionally, that's where I head. Judging those around me so that I know how best to judge myself when I inevitably compare myself. And this is truly where the approval junkie thing goes off the rails. Where I have this innate desperation for external approval, but I know that's not what I want for myself, so I try to intellectualize around it, stuffing it down and smothering it with appropriate words while my hamster-wheel brain spins ever faster.

DT: How do you walk around doing that all the time?

Me: I'm...very tired.

See? See how I'm feeling more optimistic? Doesn't it just shine through?

You'll just have to trust me. I'm feeling like I'm starting to untangle some stuff, which feels good (see: organizational high, above). Also? MOTH is making chicken tikki masala tonight, with warm naan on the side. How bad can life be with warm naan? (And, I don't care what you say, warm naan definitely falls into the category of Things That Are Right.)