In Which I Manage to Sneak a Karate Kid Reference in the Middle of a Parenting Philosophy Discussion

I'm about to start teaching a parenting class through work. It's called Positive Discipline and is based on a book written by Jane Nelson. It's the method that we use at work with our social/emotional/behavior kids and I. Freaking. Love. It. So much so that it is tempting for me to go off on some evangelical rant here about it, but I'll try to just outline the basics enough to be making sense here.

(Side note: ARGH. You know how, when you're trying to make a point, and some history or backstory is necessary for that point to be understood, so you edit, but even as you edit you're thinking, "But what about--?" Let's be kind and say that minimalism is not my strong suit, so bear with me here...)

The belief behind Positive Discipline is that all kids--well, all people, really--are driven by a desire for belonging and significance. That is, we all want to connect with others and feel like we matter. Simple, huh? OK, so the next idea is that children's misbehaviors are really misunderstood (by them and by adults) attempts at those two things. Still with me? Now it gets interesting: according to this model, punishments and rewards are only short-term solutions that may temporarily modify behaviors, but don't actually help the child reach either of those goals, and so aren't effective long-term. Or, they may be effective, but they teach the wrong things (e.g., doing homework to avoid punishment, rather than as a way to learn). So instead, misbehaviors are seen as mistaken beliefs (about how the world works), and the focus is on solutions to problems and teaching children the values we want them to learn long-term, rather than on simply extinguishing behaviors.

Have I oversimplified this? Vastly. There's a lot more to it than that, but what is on my mind lately is the PD theory on praise. Positive Discipline doesn't encourage praise. But wait, you say, isn't praise a good thing? Well, sort of. The thinking is that it's like candy--OK in small doses, but not as a steady diet. Instead of praise, PD advocates encouragement. Sounds like a matter of semantics, I know. The difference is that praise tends to express approval and judgment, whereas encouragement inspires, stimulates, and promotes. The locus of control in praise is external, versus encouragement, where it's internal.

Say, for example, that a kid brings over their finished painting. Praise would be, "You are such a good painter. I like the way you painted this house." Encouragement would be, "Thanks for sharing this with me. What is your favorite thing in the picture?" You get the idea--basically, if you can imagine Yoda or Mr. Miyagi saying it, it's probably encouragement.

When you teach this lesson in the class, you do a little role-play where you have one person receive praise statements like "You're such a good girl" and "I'm so proud of you" while the other person receives encouraging statements like "I love you no matter what" and "You must be proud of yourself." Usually, the person who receives the praise feels good at first, until they hear the other person's encouraging statements.

The first time I saw this exercise, I was quietly embarrassed. Because, while I totally got the point, I recognized that I still wanted the praise. Growing up, I was the quintessential Good Kid, and I got a lot of praise for that. And I loved it. I became what Nelson calls an "approval junkie." It wasn't enough if I liked what I had done, I needed someone else to like it, too.

Ahem. Dig me, using the past tense, as if this is no longer true.

I still really struggle with this, with looking inward rather than to others for validation. It makes MOTH crazy, because, as the person in nearest proximity, he is often who I turn to. Which makes me crazy, because he--being the opposite of an approval junkie--doesn't want me to need that approval, so he grants it grudgingly, which of course, doesn't count. And then I get frustrated because a) I know that I shouldn't need it, but b) I do, and you know it, so how's about we make with the praise, please?!

As Tankbaby becomes a Tanktoddler, I know that parenting is going to undergo a shift as well, from The Basics (provide love, food, shelter, safety) to Advanced (all of the above, plus Shaping Human Being). I hope that I can do as good a job as my parents did (oops...I mean that as a compliment to my parents, not to myself, though I can see how it could read that way...), plus make a few adjustments. One of those is not to create an approval junkie. But I also don't want him to go so far in the other direction that he doesn't care at all what other people think. I do think that independence can go too far and become isolation. MOTH is fiercely independent, and while I find it admirable, I also am driven batty by the fact that I often feel like he doesn't think about how it feels to be someone else. As I've said to him, "It's great that you don't care what anybody thinks, but sometimes that feels to me like you don't care what I think." (He reassures me that he does, of course.)

I'm sure that, with two parental extremes, we can reach a nice healthy middle ground for our boy, right? Oh, and without much conflict between the parents, if that's not too much to ask.

Also, I'd like a pony. That flies.