Attention, Googlers...

I'm going to just pass along a little bit of absurdity from my life to yours.

For a reason I can't quite remember right now, I was struck with an impulsive need to learn more about the movie Dead Calm. I went to imdb.com like a good little internet monkey, and confirmed that yes, that was Nicole Kidman on the movie poster, back when she looked...more human. Not that she's not gorgeous now, but--whether it's plastic surgery or magical unicorn placenta creams or what--this was when she had an earthy beauty rather than...a waxen sheen, let's say.

Anyway, because I'd never seen the movie, I clicked on the plot synopsis out of idle curiosity. Go ahead and check it out; I'll wait.

(whistles innocently)

I KNOW!!!!

"Rae begins to quiver and close her eyes in a pleasing fashion"? And later, she "firmly wraps her arms and legs around Hughie and readies herself for sex"? Is it just me, or is this synopsis more like, well, porn? Vaguely ESL porn?

I mean, I haven't seen the movie, so I dunno...maybe this sex scene was really amazing and you got to see naughty bits and everything, but...really? Don't get me wrong, this isn't a moral outrage, it's just...organizational prudishness. If you want to write erotica, go write erotica, but leave poor imdb.com alone. Think of the children! (I don't know what I mean by that, but it seems to be a good catch-all argument in cases like this.) Also, maybe go read some good erotica for some examples of better verbs than "mount" to describe human sex.

I tried to find other synopses by the same writers, but failed. I was curious if this was how they handled other movies (Jurassic Park: "...the Velociraptor's heart pounds beneath her ample, scaly breasts as the T Rex stands erect, his eyes gleaming with lust..."), or if this was a one-night stand. I shudder to think what they might write about, say, Basic Instinct (whose summary, actually, is quite factual and not at all titillating).

I gotta go wash out my eyes now.


(Hee...I got distracted in the middle of writing earlier and almost linked you to this instead, which is a great recipe from a great writer and has nothing to do with porn. Except maybe food porn.)